I fear my anxiety has become greater these past two or three months, and it has been with great difficulty that I try to manage or control it. Even writing this has my eyes welling with tears, which feels ironic given how hard it has been for me to cry lately.

My father is declining due to a terminal illness and is needing more care. The family dogs can no longer live with my dad and my brother, so I made a last second decision to move and take ownership of them. At the same time, my sister was struggling in her school housing, sharing a tiny room with a difficult roommate. I was able to get us an apartment and move into it with support from the community I have built around me.

I have not moved since I came up here for college three years ago, and getting an apartment on my own has been the most terrifying experience I have had yet. Every small detail felt monumental, especially bringing two large Dobermans, dogs who were primarily outdoor dogs, into an apartment. I was able to start the lease in December, but the dogs could not move in until a few days ago. That waiting period built so much anticipation and pressure, and then the worst scenario happened.

One of my dogs bit the other due to stress and resource guarding me the day after moving into the apartment. They had never been allowed couch access or free reign before, and I threw them into a completely new environment expecting them to be okay. They can coexist without me, but I did not respect how destabilizing this change would be for them. I feel like I failed them.

When everyone was crashing around the apartment, one of my dogs growled at the other. I thought pushing her away would help, but instead it caused her to lash out. My carelessness resulted in my other dog needing sutures. I am training them now and they are doing much better, but it has been heavy. The guilt sits with me constantly.

On top of that, I have moved to an area that feels safe but comes with an hour long commute each way to work. It has proven exhausting in a way I did not fully anticipate. I feel a deep, persistent anxiety that I cannot seem to shake, like something terrible is coming.

My brother has also ramped up his urgency to tour care homes for my father now that dogs moved in with me. He is based in Los Angeles and I am based in San Francisco. For over a year, we have discussed looking at options in both places so we could each have a home base. We did not actively tour because life kept springing leaks that needed patching first. Now that the dogs are with me, my brother wants to move forward immediately. I understand his anxiety and his desire to continue with his life, but it makes me feel like I am spilling everywhere.

I can realistically do tours in a couple of weeks, but right now feels like the worst possible timing. The dogs are just starting to settle, and they moved in on the same day my dad, my brother, and my brother’s friend came to stay. The apartment has been chaotic. They leave today, and I feel both sadness and relief. It is a lot to manage a small two bedroom, one bathroom apartment while assimilating dogs and trying to take care of everyone.

I feel at a loss and paralyzed. I am trudging forward, trying to schedule tours, but I am scared. One of the biggest reasons is financial. My dad’s only income is his retirement, which is a fixed and reduced amount since my mom receives thirty percent for alimony. He has no savings and some debt. He also does not receive any state benefits and does not qualify for assistance because his income is roughly one hundred dollars over the allowable threshold. Because of this, his options are limited. He may only be able to afford a shared room, and I know that would devastate him. I fear he would feel abandoned.

All he wants is to be with us constantly, but it is not feasible. We work long days, and he needs to be monitored when he eats, showers, and walks. Knowing what is logical does not make the emotional weight any lighter.

This rant is overwhelming, I am sure, but this blog is for me, and that matters most. I also hope this is not received as me seeking pity. I am just trying to release what I have been holding. I feel terrible that I only seem to write about the negative, even though I know I am a very positive person.

There are more stresses I have not even touched on, but I am deeply grateful for my secure job, even though things are financially tight, and for the family I nanny for who has supported me through this. It has been a lot, and I am terrified of what comes next.

To the two fellow readers who may stumble upon this post, please take this as a quiet reminder to plan early. Sign up for long term care insurance, life insurance, and any protections available to you while you are healthy and eligible. As someone who is 26 years old and barely getting started in life, carrying this has been heavy and hard, and it often feels like my life is on pause. These are things we assume we will figure out later, until later arrives faster than expected. Planning ahead is not pessimistic. It is an act of care for yourself and for the people who may one day need to help carry you.